This one is going to be deep guys, and maybe a little rambly, let me just put that out there. I may tear up while writing this, but I can do that. It’s fine. This is my blog, so basically it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to, ok? LOL!
Simply put, I love music. All kinds of music. I’ve been singing since I could talk, and I often hear stories of me singing in the back of the car at the top of my lungs as a young child. Thankfully for my family it didn’t sound too bad, at least from what I’ve been told… 😉 When we’re young we are asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and I always said a rock star/pop star/famous singer, etc. Well, first I wanted to be a veterinarian, but then I realized I don’t do so well with blood so that option was out. As I got older I still wanted to sing for a living, and when I was 19 I packed up and moved from Northern California to San Diego. I figured I was a little more laid back than the LA crowd and moving there was not really my idea of fun, but I thought San Diego was close enough if I had to drive up to LA for gigs. I reached out to a local music teacher, because I figured I should take some one-on-one voice lessons, since I had never done that before, if I was going to be a “professional.” Right? That’s what you do I think. She ended up being a total bad ass who was a gigging musician herself and ended up asking me to sing backup for her. I was stoked, because hell ya! I did a couple of shows with her in San Diego and loved it, but still wanted to do my own thing. She decided I could already sing and she wanted to teach me an instrument instead so I could write and perform myself. That was it! I was going to be a real singer/songwriter. I had the opportunity right in front of me…
I just didn’t follow thru. Guitar playing didn’t come natural to me so I didn’t practice as much as I should have, and got frustrated with myself for not being Peter Frampton as soon as I touched a guitar. Ha! Imagine that… One of my many unfortunate bad habits, frustration turned to giving up. Practice makes perfect, but when it comes to music, the one thing I’m actually naturally gifted at, I could never push myself enough. I love to sing and just being a karaoke queen is not who I want to be. I want to write and sing my own music, and play actual shows.
I’m not big on the new year, new me thing, but at the end of last year I finally decided that I had waited, and put it off, and disappointed myself enough that I was going to learn once and for all. I know I’m way past the point of becoming a famous musician, but one thing I know is that music makes me happier than anything in this entire world (sorry Hubs)! In fact, I always thought I would be this wanderer, this traveling musician, this person who would never settle down and live a “normal” life. Oddly enough I married someone in the military who is gone quite a bit, for long(ish) periods of time, and I’m the one alone at home. I’m kind of in the opposite situation to what I had envisioned, but that’s life for you.
I started practicing on my husband’s Grandpa’s Ventura, but it is pretty big and just not comfortable for me to play. While visiting my parents multiple times around the end of last year I noticed they had a petite guitar sitting in a case in the spare room, but neither of them play. One day I took the guitar out of the case and strummed a few times. It immediately felt right! The size, the shape, even the strap length. It just fit me. Come to find out the guitar actually belonged to my Great Aunt Ellie, but my Nana (Grandma) ended up with it when Aunt Ellie passed away. My Nana then passed it on to my Dad and there it sat. I tried to convince my Dad to let me have it, but he wouldn’t let me take it until I could play. Each time I would go to their house I would pick it up and play it, slowly nudging him to let me take it. Finally he gave in! Technically the guitar is on loan from my Dad, but it has become a huge part of my life. (I mean, I am an only child so it will be mine for real some day anyway. Ha! Loophole! Unless he wills it to someone else, which would be unfortunate. LOL!)
At this point I am just sitting here struggling to come to terms with the fact that I missed my chance to be a rock star, and it’s nobody’s fault but my own. On the other hand I am not going to stop practicing, and if given the chance I would still love to start a band and start gigging. One of the best parts about having this blog is that it allows me to express my feelings and use it as a creative outlet when I’m feeling stuck. I am not great at expressing my exact feelings in person, but when I write my feelings down, in a blog post or in lyric form for some reason they seem to just flow out.
This may have been more of a downer post that originally intended, but these photos just brought all the feelings out of me. Seeing myself playing a guitar and singing is a dream come true in a small way, and it’s a step in the right direction for me. I feel defeated, but I’m not giving up because I really, honestly, at the end of the day have barely begun to try and make my own music. I guess, just stay tuned if you want to see how hard I push, and if I end up getting out there and playing!
Shirt – ASOS *Out of Stock*
Jeans – Target
Thank you so much for reading if you got to the end of this very rambly, very personal post!